Savoring the days

Time has passed since the last blog entry. I am not sure why I haven't written. It really isn't for lack of things to write about. There has been a flurry of activity, everything from the end of the school year and finals, to the slower pace of summer, to the excitement of summer trips and guests. This summer has been one of my favorites in many years. Perhaps it is the sweetness of having my dear daughter home and engaged with the family. Maybe it is the lack of pressure I personally feel without having been on call for a birth all summer and not having to dash out the door to go to work in the evenings. I am sure it is that coupled with the best visit I have had with my parents probably ever and my kids have been perfect, enjoying each other and the time they had with their grandparents and friends in a way I have never witnessed before. It has been a summer that has made my heart swell with love for my children, my husband, my extended family, and friends in a way that makes the lump in my throat grow as I type the letters of this note. There is a sweetness to it all that has been unlike any other. I have seen my daughter tender and brave, emboldened and somber, play like a child and speak like an adult. Caillean leaves for Oman in a handful of days. We have an official count but I can't focus on it too much because the days feel like sand running through my fingers, warm and peaceful but fleeting. This isn't going to be easy.

This summer my daughter and I have enjoyed days on the beach: watching the surf roll in, resting in the sun, talking about the past year and the year to come, and swimming in the waves. We have also taken a heavy bag class together affectionately known as the kick your butt class. We have laughed at our selves in our stinky boxing gloves and sweat harder than we thought we ever could have. I watched her fire rise in this class, the fire of overcoming fear and the doubt that creeps in when you know you are going to work hard and it will hurt but you're unsure if you can really do it well. We have ridden our bikes and eaten ice cream, planned a party, and started a fundraiser. We haven't trained for our mile swim or triathlon but have promised each other we will while we are separated for the year. We have both stopped, mid-sentence and hugged each other. And, we have cried.

I am in such amazement at the courage my daughter has to go after something knowing it is the right thing to do but not really thinking about the millions of ways she could have talked her self out of it. It am warmed and encouraged at the true compassion in her soul that has driven her to understand that which has been misunderstood or completely unknown to our family and our society. I am in awe of the grace she has at such a young age to navigate the words spoken to her out of fear and general concern. And I am so grateful to spend my life with her learning from her and being the support system to buoy  her.

Her upcoming trip to Oman will be life changing, that is for certain. For her, for me, for our family, and for her future it is the right thing to do. Will it be easy? No way. Honestly, I am hoping to busy myself with my son, my husband, my schooling and working until the time she comes back from Oman. The thought of her coming off the plane back from Oman and the feeling of holding her in my arms again and smelling the top of her head like I did when she was a baby is what I am looking forward to most of all. The stories of understanding she will return with, the experiences she will have had, the triumph of having done something so large at such a young age, and the person she will be nine months from now is the vision that keeps me going during these summer days. I can't count the days, all I can do now is savor them.