Attachment parenting from afar

Caillean and I share a lot of things. I feel fortunate that her life has been lived closed to mine. It's not only a physical closeness that we have shared but a real connection. Perhaps every parent feels this with their children. I know that for me my connection began with her birth at home. The days of hard labor, blissful birth, and the real work of parenting solidified that feeling that this relationship was something different, something I had never experienced before. The connection I have with Caillean has been  fostered through the years originally through the hours of nursing as a baby and as she grew through homeschooling from pre-k up until 8th grade. Not only did I get to watch her life unfurl and provide the food of nourishment and the environment and where she could hear  her own voice but I was able to create this bond and relationship with my daughter  that is so firmly and deeply rooted that to live life without her in the day to day has been a huge shift.

 This summer our family had a bit of a Justin Timberlake obsession. It was unprecedented to share a pop artist that made us both tap along in earnest. For me, there was one song that no matter when it came on and especially when I was alone in the car I would burst into tears. Tears had not been the norm in my adult life. I hadn't cried in years but over the summer they were common especially when I was alone in the car. I was overwhelmed thinking about putting my daughter on the plane and waving goodbye. It was almost impossible to think of the months rolling along without her here. It was the real idea of separating from my daughter and not sharing the day to day with her that made the tears well up.

 Those days are long gone now and living the day to day with Caillean doing it half way around the world has become the norm. I haven't cried in months. The dull ache in my heart is there though.

 I do miss her laugh, the way we all perk up and listen when she walks into the room, the banter of her and her brother, the recipes she was occasionally inspired to make, the conversations about great books and lofty ideas, and the smile she would flash that is just pure Caillean. But it's even more than that and I haven't been able to figure out just what it is. Until Justin Timberlake came on the radio last night. Now, like I said, it had been awhile since I have cried. Months have gone by and I have been ok with Caillean's absence. We have been able to keep in touch with daily text messages that really feel like what we would be doing if she was texting me from Nantucket. The texts are filled with fun banter and pop references, pictures, and moaning over not being able to see this band who is touring or that band playing in Boston.  They make the distance between us seem much smaller as the day to day chatter of life still goes on. I don't feel disconnected from her. Even this past week that was extremely busy for me  there were still the quick texts from her that made me smile. Even an exacerbated MMMOOOOMMMMYYY  clearly voicing her frustration at not receiving a text back. Honestly, that made me smile. It was a nice validation that she wants to talk to me, even if there isn't an earth shattering story to share, she still wants to connect. For me, that's huge. I mean, competing with the experiences she has half a world a way is a lofty challenge. I didn't know how that was going to play out. I know kids push away from their parents, they have to, I just didn't want it to be now and now I know why. This is where Justin comes in. 

"Aren't you somethin' to admire?


Cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror


And I can't help but notice


You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and


The glare makes me hard to find


Just know that I'm always


Parallel on the other side



'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
 I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go


Just put your hand on the glass
 I'll be tryin' to pull you through


You just gotta be strong"

I know, my daughter is probably rolling her eyes at me and maybe you are too but really I feel so proud of her. Watching her grow up without the safety net close at hand makes me feel that I was able to give her the roots to know who she is- confident, brave, smart, fun, and beautiful and the wings that she trusted to fly far. She is being tested but always succeeds. The lesson has been to reframe her expectations of what success looks like. Right now, they are baby steps. She seems to forget at times that not only did she take that huge step of getting on the plane and leaving Nantucket she also is on a daily basis navigating a new family, community, school, and language with growing grace and confidence. She is able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it but more often is the one others turn to when they want to share their story or when they are looking for support. I hear the kids she lives with giggling along when she is on the phone, photo bombing the pictures she sends us, and the students she is in the program with post pictures of her in foreign places wearing clothes I don’t recognize but always surrounded by a crew of hugging and smiling girls.

So though it may be cheesy to summarize what I feel when I hear her stories of success in the lyrics of a pop song, it just seems to fit. Like many other suburban moms I spend a lot of time in the car driving my son and other school children from one place to the next. When the song with the perfect lyrics come on, I smile. I know that kids aren’t often thinking of the big picture, but I am. I know my son and my daughter are growing up and taking in not only the experiences of their life in the here and now but also the subtle larger lessons. I was hesitant to let go but I know now that Caillean’s successes are hers but to me, they are a mirror. They reflect the strength I have had as a parent to raise a daughter with the confidence to go after this incredible experience and I am proud of her. The lessons my son is gaining may be hard for him to put into words but it’s written all over his face when he asks how Caillean is doing. This phase of parenting is all new to me and I have come to really understand when people say parenting is never easy, the struggles just change. The thing of it is, when the struggle is hard and then it has been accomplished, the fullness in my heart is just that much more. Parenting is not for the faint of heart but to say that I am grateful to have the love of my children and the bond of this family is simply an understatement. There is nothing else like this love.  

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Only know you love her when you let her go

                                              And you let her go."

Mama said there would be days like this

Today was just one of those days. I was so happy that Caillean called me this morning! I was out when I saw the call came in. I decided to run my errands later and head home to call her  over Skype. We hadn't spoken in over a week so I was thrilled and ready for a long friendly conversation. I called and she answered but it wasn't at all what I was expecting. Her voice was barely audible through the tears. 

Now the life of a foreign exchange student is a challenge. There is no denying that. Anyone that thinks it will be a vacation or that you won't have to worry about your child every moment doesn't have a clear view of what parenting a teen from a far looks like. It's so hard to help a child navigate all the issues that arise and to do it with a nine hour time difference and no ability to just look your kid in the eyes it really hard. This call made me cry. I felt helpless from thousands of miles away to do much of anything. All that I could do was give her the space to cry and talk through what was going on. It isn't anything she won't overcome but when she told me she was fantasized about how life would be if she was at home, with her family and friends near by and how much easier it would all be, it rattled me. It was the closest she had ever come to saying she wanted to come home. By the end of our hour long conversation she had worked through the immediate want to come home but it spoke to an even greater picture of just what it is like living away from home, in a foreign culture when you are only 15. 

There are so many things we take for granted when raising our children in the relative safety and comfort that we enjoy on Nantucket. Having down time to just read a book, or go to you room, or go for a walk are some of simple comforts we are afforded. Feeling confident that when you leave home you will understand what is being said and understanding your place in the family, in your school, and in your community are all invisible comforts. Caillean kept saying all that she wanted was to just pause everything for a bit and rest without falling behind. She wanted to not have to work so hard every minute that she was awake. She wanted friends to be at ease around, the ability to communicate effectively and easily, and a chance to reap successes but instead is facing continued work with exams looming on the horizon. I repressed every urge I had to say, "that's life honey" because when you're 15, life hasn't been like that yet. The innocence of childhood is beginning to wash away. The vision of what's ahead is becoming more and more clear. It's not going to be easy and isn't always exciting but it's not all going to be hard and without rewards or even a break either. The joke with her has been that college will be an absolute piece of cake because at least it is all taught in English and there are no scorpions in your bathroom. 

This year has been a challenge. And it will continue to be. What it is showing Caillean is the path towards growing up and getting a true sense of who she is. The reality that life is hard work has become more than just words. She feels it now down into her bones. The maturity of being able to know that and continue moving forward is really almost staggering. I keep reminding myself she is only 15. That's so young! She is learning lessons that many don't seem to really get until much later in life  and some don't get at all. The reality is that once you know this just just have to dig in and do what needs to be done. There's support but really it's you. Procrastinating  just makes the work harder. You control the way you approach the day, the effort and joy you put into your work, and the rewards of having done this hard work are all yours too. I just think about the fact that she signed up to speak in Arabic in front of her school on Thursday and recite something she writes from memory. Some kids won't even do that in their native language but Caillean isn't afraid of the challenge. She will do the hard work. I just hope she remembers that even if her Arabic isn't perfect that she is accomplishing so much. And in the words of Robert Frost and my insightful daughter, "Life Goes On." Tomorrow's another day and today will then be your success.