I don't know how it happened. Time has moved
forward and there is an absolute beauty to it all. Our pet rabbits have shed
their shaggy summer hair for a smooth, thick, soft winter coat, the front porch which used to be littered with furniture where we would sit and watch the boys play baseball has been packed
up and is instead festooned with mums and pumpkins, the garden though still
producing fireworks of dahlias has slowed in its production of food considerably, and the deer who have
shed their orange hair of summer for a darker brown which matches the leaves of
the understory completely have become almost aggressive eating the remaining
green plants (even climbing the front steps of the porch to do so) and
knocking over the grain buckets in hopes of a full belly. We have enjoyed
days affectionately known as Aug-tober . But the earth has changed her
garments. No longer is she clothed in the vibrant greens of summer but an
entirely new palate of colors is laid out in the weaker glow of
sunlight. Maybe it hit on one day, birthdays have a way of doing that, but
some of it has become clear only as time continues to pass. The seasons have
changed, not only on the calendar but also deeply internally. It is all so
beautiful and different than our lazy days of summer and from the fullness of
life with my girl around.
More than a month into her stay in Oman, Caillean
has grown. Looking at pictures of her trip to Dubai (!!) this past week I can
see the physical changes in her. Her hair is longer, she seems taller and
thinner, some of her clothes I don't recognize-some traditional Omani clothing
and other more western clothes I assume borrowed from her roommate, and
her poise is different. The same ease and beauty of her smile is there but she
stands more as a young woman that has met a challenge and is thriving. Thriving
isn't easy I am sure. There have been the emotional highs and lows that happen
when you live life engaged with people and open to new experiences. I can
imagine it must be hard to give up everything you know and move to a new
family, new school, and new culture. Even writing a sentence like that seems so
belittling to the enormity of her reality. She has changed but her beauty is
still there.
Our change in parenting from the day to day to
parenting from afar has started to feel more like the new normal. That's not to
say I don't miss Caillean every day, because I do, but our family life has
become the familiar rhythm of autumn. I have two children. One is still here
and back in school busy with swimming, drumming, and capeouria, my partner is busy with work, I have taught and taken classes,
and the sun rises later and sinks in the west with the silent fanfare of autumn
sunsets. Autumn has become familiar. It is definitely different than summer but
I have found the beauty in the change and have started to thinking about the
future. Turning in is only natural at this time of the year, the nights are
longer and the outside world begins to settle in and rest. I don't think as
much about the day to day nor even about when Caillean will return but I do think about the big
picture. The big picture has always been much harder for me to visual for my
immediate family than the day to day. I wish I could say that it is
because I am a zen master and have always consciously chosen to be here now.
There is some truth to that but more often than not it is because I have been
savoring the moments and just trying to survive. Survival means so many things
and really looking from afar it may be easy to scoff at my use of the word. I
certainly have a safe and comfortable life by many standards but looking at a
snap shot of my life at this moment leaves out the entire picture. The way our
family has come to this point has been a struggle. It has never been easy to
make a living while consciously choosing to put our kids first. It wasn't an
accident that we didn't buy a house or that Greg has worked 7 days a week for
15 years or that I don't work full time. It was a choice. As much as we can't
take all the credit for who our children are as they have done the work of
growing up I can say that I am proud of the support and guidance we have
offered them. I am also grateful for the guidance and support I have been
fortunate to find first and foremost in my partner and from the other parents
around me. When people stop me and ask, "How's Caillean?" or comment
on her pictures or email my parents, those simple genuine gestures are support.
People are thinking of her and about us and it all helps.
It also helps to have folks that have done this,
well maybe not let their kids go to Oman at 15 years old, but whose kids have
grown up and moved on. They lend a hand, a hug, and words of support. Just this
week I met with a mama whose son I greatly admire. I see qualities in her son
that I also see in Caillean. We met to talk about college. My college
experience was narrow and though hindsight is always 20/20 I know now that I
didn't have access to options for college. I need to develop the
skills to help my child maximize her choices. I was offered practical
information that I have already taken to heart and am acting on. I will continue
to reach out to her and others to gather as much information as I can. I am
open and more than willing to hear from anyone who has been through this before
and has any information to share.
I wish I had more excitement to share in my blog. The excitement and
stories are all up to Caillean now. I too am eager to read her new blogs and
see the pictures of life in Oman. It's all so amazing and thrilling. My heart
rate quickens and my voice gets louder with excitement every time I see a new
post or get a call from her. She really is someone I love to be around and I
miss having her light in my life everyday. It still shines on me from
afar. And here on Nantucket my daily life
goes on. I am not holding my breath or putting this life on hold, but I haven't
had to let go completely. I often feel like the
leaves on the trees; dressed in brown, holding on to the branches, and blowing
in the breeze. There is no fear. One day I will let go and the wind will carry
me. I will float here and there and eventually come to rest on the body of the
earth surrounded by the beautiful colors of autumn gradually muting. Don't
think I am macabre about it. The life force of spring follows fall and winter.
But for now, I turn in and prepare.
