Turning in

I don't know how it happened. Time has moved forward and there is an absolute beauty to it all. Our pet rabbits have shed their shaggy summer hair for a smooth, thick, soft winter coat, the front porch which used to be littered with furniture where we would sit and watch the boys play baseball has been packed up and is instead festooned with mums and pumpkins, the garden though still producing fireworks of dahlias has slowed in its production of food considerably, and the deer who have shed their orange hair of summer for a darker brown which matches the leaves of the understory completely have become almost aggressive eating the remaining green plants (even climbing the front steps of the porch to do so) and  knocking over the grain buckets in hopes of a full belly. We have enjoyed days affectionately known as Aug-tober . But the earth has changed her garments. No longer is she clothed in the vibrant greens of summer but an entirely new palate of colors is laid out in the weaker glow of sunlight. Maybe it hit on one day, birthdays have a way of doing that, but some of it has become clear only as time continues to pass. The seasons have changed, not only on the calendar but also deeply internally. It is all so beautiful and different than our lazy days of summer and from the fullness of life with my girl around. 

More than a month into her stay in Oman, Caillean has grown. Looking at pictures of her trip to Dubai (!!) this past week I can see the physical changes in her. Her hair is longer, she seems taller and thinner, some of her clothes I don't recognize-some traditional Omani clothing and other more western clothes I assume borrowed from her roommate, and her poise is different. The same ease and beauty of her smile is there but she stands more as a young woman that has met a challenge and is thriving. Thriving isn't easy I am sure. There have been the emotional highs and lows that happen when you live life engaged with people and open to new experiences. I can imagine it must be hard to give up everything you know and move to a new family, new school, and new culture. Even writing a sentence like that seems so belittling to the enormity of her reality. She has changed but her beauty is still there. 

Our change in parenting from the day to day to parenting from afar has started to feel more like the new normal. That's not to say I don't miss Caillean every day, because I do, but our family life has become the familiar rhythm of autumn. I have two children. One is still here and back in school busy with swimming, drumming, and capeouria, my partner is busy with work, I have taught and taken classes, and the sun rises later and sinks in the west with the silent fanfare of autumn sunsets. Autumn has become familiar. It is definitely different than summer but I have found the beauty in the change and have started to thinking about the future. Turning in is only natural at this time of the year, the nights are longer and the outside world begins to settle in and rest. I don't think as much about the day to day nor even about when Caillean will return but I do think about the big picture. The big picture has always been much harder for me to visual for my immediate family than the day to day. I wish I could say that it is because I am a zen master and have always consciously chosen to be here now. There is some truth to that but more often than not it is because I have been savoring the moments and just trying to survive. Survival means so many things and really looking from afar it may be easy to scoff at my use of the word. I certainly have a safe and comfortable life by many standards but looking at a snap shot of my life at this moment leaves out the entire picture. The way our family has come to this point has been a struggle. It has never been easy to make a living while consciously choosing to put our kids first. It wasn't an accident that we didn't buy a house or that Greg has worked 7 days a week for 15 years or that I don't work full time. It was a choice. As much as we can't take all the credit for who our children are as they have done the work of growing up I can say that I am proud of the support and guidance we have offered them. I am also grateful for the guidance and support I have been fortunate to find first and foremost in my partner and from the other parents around me. When people stop me and ask, "How's Caillean?" or comment on her pictures or email my parents, those simple genuine gestures are support. People are thinking of her and about us and it all helps. 

It also helps to have folks that have done this, well maybe not let their kids go to Oman at 15 years old, but whose kids have grown up and moved on. They lend a hand, a hug, and words of support. Just this week I met with a mama whose son I greatly admire. I see qualities in her son that I also see in Caillean. We met to talk about college. My college experience was narrow and though hindsight is always 20/20 I know now that I didn't have access to options for college.  I need to develop the skills to help my child maximize her choices. I was offered practical information that I have already taken to heart and am acting on. I will continue to reach out to her and others to gather as much information as I can. I am open and more than willing to hear from anyone who has been through this before and has any information to share. 

I wish I had more excitement to share in my blog. The excitement and stories are all up to Caillean now. I too am eager to read her new blogs and see the pictures of life in Oman. It's all so amazing and thrilling. My heart rate quickens and my voice gets louder with excitement every time I see a new post or get a call from her. She really is someone I love to be around and I miss having her light in my life everyday. It still shines on me from afar.  And here on Nantucket my daily life goes on. I am not holding my breath or putting this life on hold, but I haven't had to let go completely.  I often feel like the leaves on the trees; dressed in brown, holding on to the branches, and blowing in the breeze. There is no fear. One day I will let go and the wind will carry me. I will float here and there and eventually come to rest on the body of the earth surrounded by the beautiful colors of autumn gradually muting. Don't think I am macabre about it. The life force of spring follows fall and winter. But for now, I turn in and prepare.